I’m in a bit of a transition period right now with running. The Georgia Death Race ended in March and I don’t have anything on the schedule until the Columbus Marathon in October. GDR concluded a really long “on” cycle of running which lasted most of last year. I thought I needed a break when it was over..until I really needed a break.
This year hasn’t been the easiest for me. Besides trying to figure out how to make a career work for me, I’ve experienced a lot of loss. Too much, maybe, and I’ve spent a lot of time feeling lost and very exposed. I lost my Nanaw in February. This was followed by a couple months of other family members being in the hospital. First, my grandfather then a few weeks later my dad followed a week later by my mom. I’m very fortunate that those three are out and OK, but that was a hard period. The fear of losing yet another person tugged at my heart with each day that passed. Every time the phone rang I couldn’t help but wince; hoping “please don’t be that kind of phone call again.”
On the 9th that phone call came again. This time my other Grandma. “How can this be happening, again?” I kept asking myself. My wounds tore open, before the skin had even begun to fuse. This time the wound grew wider and deeper. While running is usually my outlet, that hasn’t been the case this time around. I haven’t found myself to eager to lace up more than the couple days a week I meet with my running group. I continued to attend those more for the people rather than the act of running itself.
Don’t get me wrong. Running is my therapy. I am a church of the long run kind of gal. But in this case, that therapy wasn’t going to work for me. I needed to find a new therapist to help me deal specifically with loss and healing. That’s where yoga has come in. Specifically, hot. I’ve never been one to mind the sweat. I actually love it. Forget any science behind it I really just feel like I’m sweating out everything inside of me that I do not want there. Yoga felt more gentle, kind.
The theme I kept hearing throughout today’s class was “Let it go.” Whatever is no longer serving you, let it leave you. How true that is for me at this time. Anger at health choices of family. Fear of losing people that I love. Sadness of those who have left me. While I do think it’s good for us to experience those emotions here and there, for me I’ll tell you what keeping those around for months has been: toxic. They do not allow me to fully experience the happiness and joys of my life. Anger will get you nowhere. Fear will hold you back. And sadness will close you off.
As of today I am choosing to let it go.